They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
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Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”