Which candidate will get rid of these damn fruit flies

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“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead


Apparently ‘Cuz the floor is lava!’ isn’t a good enough excuse for me to not fold laundry


My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”


Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.


I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter


If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.


Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?


*reading note from son:

‘Can I borrow your car later?’


‘You spelled ‘wash’ wrong. But yes.’