Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
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Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth