Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
You Might Also Like
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Best spoiler warning ever
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.