@shopkins776

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

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@Halbeerz

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

@TheDrunkJake

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

@marebytes

In my opinion – until they add extra fries, a martini & a joint – they have no business calling it a Happy Meal

@badbanana

I’ll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.

@ericsshadow

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

@TeejayRush

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

@tchrquotes

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

@noneofyours99

Can you guess which dog isn’t falling for the “worm pill” wrapped in bacon ?

@TheTweetOfGod

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.