Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.