@StewieTea2

Which idiot called it a vasectomy?

Rather than ‘I kid you not’

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@QuinOShea

When my wife said let’s do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I’m a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.

@suntzufuntzu

YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.

@dlockw21

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

@wesjohnson8

My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.

@tehaveragejoel

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

@climaxximus

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

@tastefactory

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

@sammyrhodes

Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”