@StewieTea2

Which idiot called it a vasectomy?

Rather than ‘I kid you not’

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@TheToddWilliams

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

@dysalexia

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

@markydoodoo

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

@_goaskyourdad_

Parenting fact:
The kid who says “wasn’t me” before you even ask the question is definitely the guilty one

@usermcuserface

You start a mosh pit at the orchestra one time and all of a sudden you’re “banned for life” and “arrested”.

@ADHDeanASL

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

@kentgrossarth

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

@orny_xo

Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!

@bridger_w

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”