Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
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Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
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Only $139.95! Act now!
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES