@StewieTea2
@QuinOShea
When my wife said let’s do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I’m a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.
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@QuinOShea
@suntzufuntzu
YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.
@dlockw21
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
@wesjohnson8
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
@tehaveragejoel
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
@zoebread
an octopus is just a wet spider
@climaxximus
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
@tastefactory
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
@sammyrhodes
Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”
@VerifiedDrunk
I put the ‘fun’ in functional alcoholic.