ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
ME: …mint condition.
Which idiot called it a vasectomy?
Rather than ‘I kid you not’
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Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
When can I start eating bats again.
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
The kid who says “wasn’t me” before you even ask the question is definitely the guilty one
You start a mosh pit at the orchestra one time and all of a sudden you’re “banned for life” and “arrested”.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”