When my wife said let’s do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I’m a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.
Which idiot called it a vasectomy?
Rather than ‘I kid you not’
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YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”
I put the ‘fun’ in functional alcoholic.