which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.