He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
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If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*
Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Sometimes I think I want to have a baby but then I wake up the next morning still holding my beer and I think maybe not
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO