which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

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He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.


If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.


Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up


Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.


[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*


old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia


Sometimes I think I want to have a baby but then I wake up the next morning still holding my beer and I think maybe not


My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.


[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”


Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO