Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
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ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.