Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

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*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*


Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.


I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.


“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.


I just saw my ex get hit by a snow plow but in all fairness I have never driven one of these before.


Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month


I’ve never been offered money for sex. Never been offered money to not have sex either. So there’s that.


Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*