Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
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She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Me sliding into hell like
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”