Voiceover: Continued use of this drug may cause but isn’t limited to blurry vision, nausea, knowing the lyrics to the Macarena, diarrhea
Which of these is a deadly virus?
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I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
tinder is all about the long game
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
ME: *tries to sneakily pee in pool*
LIFEGUARD: sir get off the diving board