@daemonic3

Which of these is a deadly virus?
A) Bola
B) Bola
C) Bola
D) Bola
E) Bola

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@Mr_Kapowski

Voiceover: Continued use of this drug may cause but isn’t limited to blurry vision, nausea, knowing the lyrics to the Macarena, diarrhea

@CulturedRuffian

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

@Jarhead44

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

@just_evolved

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

@elunatyk

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

@FredTaming

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

@dumbbeezie

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you