God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
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Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
so weird how every mom was born today
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.