I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
You Might Also Like
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.