“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
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[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”