“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
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[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Goat cheese is for herders.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I’m so full I could puke a horse
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”