Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
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INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
A collection of me turning into random objects.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses