*walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*
“why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Which sadist decided to make the packaging around Band-Aids so difficult to open, considering you’re usually bleeding when you need one?
You Might Also Like
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Priest: The power of Christ compels you! I cast you out! Unclean spirit!
Me: Wait, stop! Some of these are load-bearing demons.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”