@NotOnTheMoors

Which sadist decided to make the packaging around Band-Aids so difficult to open, considering you’re usually bleeding when you need one?

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@iwearaonesie

*SNAP*
*wife screams*
*walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

@sugarwits

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

@candygrlMT

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

@Dawn_M_

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

@qwertygirl

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

@RecursiveTaco

Priest: The power of Christ compels you! I cast you out! Unclean spirit!

Me: Wait, stop! Some of these are load-bearing demons.

@frankzulla

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

@TheCiscoKidder

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

@Smethanie

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.