@1evilidiot

Which side of the plate does the phone go on?

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@Vice_Queen

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

@goldengateblond

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

@Smooheed

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

@FilthyRichmond

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

@ExcuseMyTweets

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

@Reverend_Scott

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

@PinkCamoTO

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

@david8hughes

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

@Blondiethegood

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

@ReaIRonSwanson

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?