I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Which side of the plate does the phone go on?
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You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?