“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
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ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.