How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
You Might Also Like
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
guys I’m going home