@omgthatspunny

Which US state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda

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@jenstatsky

My diet could best be described as, “unchaperoned child at a birthday party.”

@tsm560

All of my friends are in love and I’m still on my own but I’m not gonna feel bad for them.

@ObscureGent

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

@Six_Pack_Mom

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

@NickBossRoss

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

@Lisabug74

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

@abbycohenwl

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

@magicChopstick

Spider Man, Spider Man
Chillin’ in his camper van
Kickin’ back, drinkin’ booze
head to toe in sweet tattoos
Hang on
That is not Spider Man

@kelkulus

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

@FU_TangClan

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?