@omgthatspunny

Which US state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda

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@CornOnTheGoblin

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

@Mom_Overboard

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

@erikbransteen

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

@anerdonfire2

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

@mikejanson2

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

@salamingia

My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.

Anyone need a roommate tonight?

@clindsaysway

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

@ThisOneSayz

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

@Great_JENetics

*found in the netflix horror section*
“Mary has a secret that’ll TEAR YOU APART”
Movie name: Mary piranha