Which US state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda

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My diet could best be described as, “unchaperoned child at a birthday party.”


All of my friends are in love and I’m still on my own but I’m not gonna feel bad for them.


[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.


Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.


When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?


I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.


Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way


Spider Man, Spider Man
Chillin’ in his camper van
Kickin’ back, drinkin’ booze
head to toe in sweet tattoos
Hang on
That is not Spider Man


They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.


First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?