Which wines pair best with gloating?
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Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!