Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
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[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex