sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
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[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.