As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
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“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I’m too immature for adultery.
There is no “we” in pizza
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.