@robfee

While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective defense against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?

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@Matt_The_1st

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

@mrjohndarby

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

@causticbob

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

@lipstickbrat1

*during sex*

Him: Hurt me

Me: Your brother is hotter than you

Him: I…

Me: Not a big fan of the new haircut either

@Quartzjixler

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

@rickygervais

A Christian telling an atheist he is going to Hell is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they wont get any presents from Santa