While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective weapon against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?

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I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.


Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that’s not going to help, stupid. Think about it.


I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.


If the cup is only half full, I suggest you buy a smaller bra


I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.


Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.


Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.


I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?