HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
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Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.