@robfee

While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective weapon against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?

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@ConanOBrien

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

@KenJennings

Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that’s not going to help, stupid. Think about it.

@patnspankme

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

@AKenyanDude

If the cup is only half full, I suggest you buy a smaller bra

@VeryLonelyLuke

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

@jwoodham

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

@goodhairperson

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

@Artemis_Ascends

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?