While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
i think both sides are to blame here
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
