[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
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Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
True?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”