Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
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No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Boating season is upon us.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Generation gap…
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.