While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
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My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
This is my pinned tweet
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.