While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

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Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.


I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.


The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.


[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //


[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!


MUGGER: *exasperated* Look dude. I’m NOT mad at you. I JUST want your money and your watch. That’s it. We’re totally okay, I promise.

ME: *wiping snot from my nose* …okay, do you promise you aren’t mad though


The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.


If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.


Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.