@sarah_edo

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

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@daniel_shaw

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

@RiaWojo

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

@mjkspeaks

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

@UtilityLimb

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

@BunAndLeggings

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

@Home_Halfway

MUGGER: *exasperated* Look dude. I’m NOT mad at you. I JUST want your money and your watch. That’s it. We’re totally okay, I promise.

ME: *wiping snot from my nose* …okay, do you promise you aren’t mad though

@junejuly12

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

@3sunzzz

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

@_wangwe

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.