My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.
While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver…
She asked if I had orange juice.
We’ve been dating since.
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What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I childproofed my house, but they keep getting in.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47