While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver…
She asked if I had orange juice.
We’ve been dating since.

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My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.


At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.


All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.


I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters


[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day


[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab


Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47