“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
You Might Also Like
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.