They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
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you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.