While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
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nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Whoa 😂
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
christening a ship with an overripe banana
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*