I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
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*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Lmao 🤣
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
mom had nothing to worry about
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will