Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
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see you in hell you stupid fruit
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China