While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
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horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled