While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
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I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate