While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
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no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it