No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
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[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Beware of the dog..
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.