@MouthOfSass

While I appreciate your enthusiasm, auto flush toilet, I kinda wanted to see that.

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@FattMernandez

To err is human. To errrrrrrr! eerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! errrrrrrrrrrrrr! is racecar.

@nealbrennan

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

@meowkenxing

the united states is $22 trillion dollars in debt and they have the audacity to try and give ME a credit score? worry about yourself first babygirl

@werehedgehog

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

@KeetPotato

gang leader: “this isnt what i meant when i said go rob the store”
me: [putting 19 cartons of milk in fridge] “you should be more specific”

@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

@desolateson

I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 37 waiting for the room to stop spinning.

@mrjohndarby

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

@Home_Halfway

{At concert}
“JUMP AROUND! JUMP AROUND! JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN!!”
A group of baby bunnies: HELL YES THIS IS OUR SONG