@DevilryFun

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

@SondraDeeMe

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

@TravLeBlanc

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

@Arr

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

@rachelle_mandik

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

@momjeansplease

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

@tsm560

Real doesn’t scare me, real stupid does

@iwearaonesie

If you use your alarm to look for your car in a parking lot someone will eventually help you find it by yelling “It’s over here you idiot!”

@Reverend_Scott

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

@djdarrellripley

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.