While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
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me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back