While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

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ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.


My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.


Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.


The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them


most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english


[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?


Real doesn’t scare me, real stupid does


If you use your alarm to look for your car in a parking lot someone will eventually help you find it by yelling “It’s over here you idiot!”


Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.


Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.