While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.


COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]


What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”


Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life


Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”


Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Celebrate it by walking very slowly yet still managing to catch up to people.


I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.