While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
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I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”