While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
You Might Also Like
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.