[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
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“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months