While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
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During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.