While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
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OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
That de-escalated quickly
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.