@jaslakhmna

While people argue about the glass being half empty or half full…I’ll just be drinking from the bottle !

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@Marlebean

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

@KaysNH

This could be the beginning of a beautiful restraining order.

@KieranSoFar

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

@BCMontgo

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

@KeithAshers

Sending everyone soggy empty boxes this year with a note – Hope you enjoy this expensive ice sculpture made in your honor. #CheapChristmas

@VerifiedBIB

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

@HousewifeOfHell

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

@Try2StopME

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

@dumbbeezie

Sometimes I think I want to have a baby but then I wake up the next morning still holding my beer and I think maybe not