For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
While people argue about the glass being half empty or half full…I’ll just be drinking from the bottle !
You Might Also Like
This could be the beginning of a beautiful restraining order.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Sending everyone soggy empty boxes this year with a note – Hope you enjoy this expensive ice sculpture made in your honor. #CheapChristmas
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Sometimes I think I want to have a baby but then I wake up the next morning still holding my beer and I think maybe not