While people argue about the glass being half empty or half full…I’ll just be drinking from the bottle !

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For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.


This could be the beginning of a beautiful restraining order.


me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners


Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.


Sending everyone soggy empty boxes this year with a note – Hope you enjoy this expensive ice sculpture made in your honor. #CheapChristmas


Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.


My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.


I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.


Sometimes I think I want to have a baby but then I wake up the next morning still holding my beer and I think maybe not