While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
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People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left