Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
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Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I’m on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it’s taking all my strength to not scream “WE FORGOT KEVIN!”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
(Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass
(Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back “sir”
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF