@Jmboyd58

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

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@ThisOneSayz

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

@_elvishpresley_

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

@celebrityhottub

I’m on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it’s taking all my strength to not scream “WE FORGOT KEVIN!”

@junejuly12

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

@ManInTheHoody

if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

@ashmensch

[Juice Bar]

(Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass

(Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back “sir”

*hyenas laugh*

@BigJDubz

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF