*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
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I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.