While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
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Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”