Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
You Might Also Like
lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he’s saying something else now
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no