@LackOfShame

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

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@stephenjmolloy

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

@DanMentos

lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he’s saying something else now

@Tmoney68

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

@BobTheSuit

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

@okimstillhungry

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

@lmegordon

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

@AbbieEvansXO

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

@TheMadWifey

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

@briancthayer

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

@surrealvehicle

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no