@stephenjmolloy
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
@LackOfShame
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
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@stephenjmolloy
@DanMentos
lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on twitter. Hold on he’s saying something else now
@Tmoney68
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
@BobTheSuit
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
@okimstillhungry
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
@lmegordon
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
@AbbieEvansXO
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
@TheMadWifey
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
@briancthayer
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
@surrealvehicle
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no