Just bought Rosetta Stone for Starbucks.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
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WAITER: Do you know what you’d like?
DAD: A better car! Hahaha
WAITER: Sir, wait here
*brings out trophy*
you are our funniest customer ever
In hell, your socks are always wet
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
me: have kids they said. it’ll be fun they said
maternity nurse: hey put those babies back
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
(Macbeth and lady Macbeth)
“I killed King Duncan”
“You told me to!!”
I didn’t think you’d do it omg lmao savage