@momjeansplease

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

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@Home_Halfway

WAITER: Do you know what you’d like?
DAD: A better car! Hahaha
WAITER: Sir, wait here
*brings out trophy*
you are our funniest customer ever

@SoNotThePoint_

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

@PrettyRicc

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

@Contwixt

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

@donttouchjames

me: have kids they said. it’ll be fun they said

maternity nurse: hey put those babies back

@EndhooS

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

@SatansTongue

(Macbeth and lady Macbeth)
“I killed King Duncan”
Macbeth wtf!!
“You told me to!!”
I didn’t think you’d do it omg lmao savage