While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
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Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Guantanamo Bae
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Oh thanks BBC.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.