@PaperWash

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

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@LostFelicia

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

@ItsAndyRyan

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

@garrettbarry70

My wife complains that my socks are too big for her but she doesn’t care that her bra pinches my back.

@iwearaonesie

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

@gingerfaced

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

@Reverend_Scott

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

@Skoogeth

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

@lilgapeach30

Girls. Don’t get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.

@Brentweets

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything