[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

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I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.


PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”


My wife complains that my socks are too big for her but she doesn’t care that her bra pinches my back.


Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”


Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.


If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.


{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes


Girls. Don’t get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.


So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything